On Creating a Daily Practice
If you’ve visited my page on The Specifics, you’ve likely encountered my Daily Four. These are four practices I’ve identified over the years that enable me to live more authentically and presently. But creating them as habits in-real-life was no-joke challenging. This post summarizes that journey and offers some resources that were extremely helpful for me.
Like most of my “great awakening,” this process began after I lost my brother. That was, of course, the moment I woke up to my own life- a life I had been living all along while feeling only a fraction of it- and knew something needed to change. But even then, I had neither the tools nor time.
And then COVID hit. Suddenly there was time. Time to explore what it would take to sustain this newfound connection to self. Time to learn. Time to heal.
Like many others, I read. I listened to endless podcasts. I attended virtual workshops and, eventually, in-person ones too. I had long had a list of “shoulds” that I one day hoped to make a part of my life- exercise and meditation… and eating a grown-up breakfast- but I never seemed to have the time. COVID finally offered the space to see what it would be like to create this routine.
It was a painful season of trial and error. And after several months of trying different variations, I realized the problem was not entirely me. We place so much emphasis on being productive, there’s little room to begin one’s day with clarity and intention. Little time for stillness. Which, cumulatively, can mean that there’s little time to be present in one’s own life
The first barrier was changing my mindset around who my time was obligated to. I felt incredibly guilty spending time that didn’t actually seem to produce anything. It seemed so indulgent and even selfish. From the moment we begin school, we’re taught to start early, move fast, and be as productive as possible. There’s little room to begin one’s day with clarity and intention. Little time for stillness. Which, cumulatively, can mean that there’s little time to be present in one’s own life.
I soon learned that grounding myself in these practices allowed me to more fully engage with the rest of my obligations and, ironically, helped me be more productive over time.
The second barrier was in finding the actual time. As a teacher, my workday started early, and single-parenting made this time ever more challenging. But mornings were the best option for me. I was inevitably beat at the end of the work day and still had to cook dinner, tackle household chores, attend meetings, help with homework, etc. Often, there was leftover work that demanded my evening time or events that would pop up to disrupt my routine.
Still, mornings were challenging. Despite my ardent desire to be otherwise, I am not a sunrise person. I am deeply and irrevocably, entirely genetically, a night owl. Any attempt to join the 5am train has resulted in sleep deprivation and the unleashing of my inner ogre. Consider this permission to ignore all those super-peppy advice givers who might try to convince you that the best people in the world rise at 5 or even earlier. Most of those enthusiasts are angling toward increased productivity, which is not our goal. Our goal is to be more authentically present within our own lives… not filling it to the brim with more obligations. Also, sleep is critical to one’s mental and physical wellbeing.
You have to make this work for you.
If you’ve got kids… mornings are already a marathon. But can you protect your lunch break? Or the time right before bed? You might consider having a conversation with your boss about creating a work culture that supports a more balanced lifestyle; ask for a later start time (because, let’s be honest, you’re almost definitely answering emails at the end of the day and on weekends) or pitch ways that your company might incorporate mindfulness practices into its day. Talk to your spouse about trading off duties so you can protect some solo time for one another. Get creative!
If it still seems impossible, spend a week observing how you allot your time throughout the day. All of us have created habits that help us escape from the demands we face- scrolling or binging tv… even cleaning… that can become unhealthy escapes which deplete rather than restore. Breaking those habits and starting new ones is a learning process. But hear this… you are unlikely to arrive at any new behavior through sheer willpower and discipline. Approaching it with that mindset will most likely result in a sense of failure and a truckload of guilt.
After many failed attempts of my own, I decided to first focus my time on learning about habits themselves. This should be everyone’s starting point. I highly recommend Katy Milkman’s interview on The Next Big Idea and James Clear’s newsletter, which will give you the foundational blocks to building strong habits. I return to these resources often for a pep-talk and reminder that everyone struggles. But once you get the basic tools down, you can plug in any or all of the daily four.
Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the piece of this that will always be the greatest challenge. At that’s the willingness to face the actual shit-storm that exists inside your head and becomes painfully pronounced when you finally get still. It’s a real thing. In time, I will post resources that have been useful. But don’t let the discomfort stop you. You already know that’s where the growing happens!